Sometimes you just have to write

I have written this blog post in my head for a couple of weeks now. This has the potential to upset some people but I finally decided that this is my blog and I have a right to write whatever I want to in it. Not that many people read it so here goes.

Many of you that know me well know that I am very passionate about adoption. If it weren't for adoption I wouldn't be where I am today. I don't know how different my life would have been if my birth mother had kept me, but I know how good my life was with my adoptive family. I can't imagine it any other way. I can't even think of my family without Addy in it. We were meant to be her parents, no one could love and adore her more than we do. Seriously, it's quite sickening really, we are absolutely crazy about every little aspect of her. I adore my biological children, don't get me wrong, they are my world! However, Addy is extra special and everyone knows it. I don't love her more than my other children of course, but I will admit, she gets away with more, she definitely gets more attention!

I found out a couple of weeks ago that Addy's birth parents were going out of the country to adopt a baby. I found out on a status update on Facebook. We have an open adoption so there is contact between us. When I found this out my heart kind of sank. My thoughts immediately went to Addy. What am I going to tell her? Is she going to understand this? I hope to God she doesn't. She is very smart. I know we all say that about our kids but she truly is. I've worked with several children with Down syndrome and let me tell you, sister's got game! Last night I saw a picture of the baby they are adopting. Absolutely darling, but once again, my heart sank. I don't ever want to explain this to her. Jake even said to me that he's happy for her birth family but sad for Addy. He doesn't want her feelings to get hurt. That's my boy, so sweet and concerned for his baby sister. I'm wondering why I wasn't told about this? Is it any of my business? No, it's not, but then I think it kind of is. My heart hurts for my girl, once again, I hope to God she never understands that she was given up because she has special needs. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. The Bible tells me so :) Psalm 139 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

I got pretty upset last night. People have no idea what I am feeling about this. I was accused of being jealous. That I am not. How could I be jealous of their new addition when we have Addy??? I may be jealous of the adoption, I'm jealous of ALL adoptions right now because I want to adopt again so badly! I get so frustrated when people look at me and say that I already have my hands full. How do you know? Do you live my life? Do you do what I do everyday? No you don't. I am fully capable of taking care of my children, my home, my husband, my job and everything else without getting overwhelmed. Are there days when I wonder how we are going to be able to do it all? Absolutely, but families with one child have that issue sometimes! I look at Reece's Rainbow and fall more in love with those little faces every day and wonder when is it going to be our turn? So many people have said that they didn't the money for an adoption when they started their process. We definitely don't. However, I must not have enough faith because I know if we started the process we would not have donations flying in like I see so much of. We also don't have family that is willing or able to take care of our other children while we travel out of the country for who knows how long. I don't live in a community where we could host a fundraiser and thousands of dollars would come in. We'd be lucky to see a couple of hundred and when you're looking at $25,000 to $40,000 it would take years to get it all raised. Scott and I both work full time so neither one of us would have the time to devote to fundraisers either. So here we are, waiting until someday when we are able to save up enough to make a dent on this endeavor. People don't listen to me when I tell them that donations to Reece's Rainbow are tax deductible, I'm not asking for money to be given to me. Sometimes I just get so bummed about it that I just have to stop thinking about adopting again and move on. I am more than happy with my family the way it is, however, I can't stop thinking about what a blessing it would be for Addy to have a sister with DS so they could always be close and have each other. Am I closing the door to this dream? Absolutely not, however, I am going to start buying lottery tickets!